I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
