haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
