i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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