wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
