Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
