i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
