Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
You had me at "let me see your balls"
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
