Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I woke up under a house in Key West
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
