i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
