When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
3 2 1 whiskey
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
