true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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