Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
