we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
