omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
