I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
We need to get me chipped asap
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
