i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
