well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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