I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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