I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
