Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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