nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
