i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
