Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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