You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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