Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
