His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I just blew my weed a kiss
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
