goodnight i made you a song goodbye
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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