my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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