Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
