She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
