Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
