I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
