Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
nutella sex= disaster
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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