don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
