Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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