WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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