i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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