They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
