last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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