I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
