flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Randomize
