somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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