Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
