no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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