I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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