Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
