no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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