she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
