Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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