my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
