I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
