I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
