So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
