Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
