Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
