hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
