And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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