This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
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U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
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Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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